Turn Tail
by MooseOnARoof
Summary: Random and ultimately pointless crack!fic in which Wilson grows a tail for no apparent reason. I warn you...this fic has no point to it whatsoever but enjoy all the same :


_Daft bit of crack!fic where Wilson grows a tail for no apparent reason. Don't ask me why and where this came from. It just came._

_Disclaimer: I don't be owning these peeps  
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"You want another cup of coffee?" Cameron waved a red foil container of coffee granules in the air.

Chase declined. "If I drink any more I'll be up all night."

Cameron tossed the packet back onto the counter before taking her seat back at the table. She gently pushed a fly away lock of hair from her eyes. "We haven't had a case for six days. I feel like I should be doing something constructive instead of just sitting here."

"If Cuddy wanted us to do something else she would have requested us to do so. She hasn't so I am quite happy getting paid for keeping this chair warm." He leaned back and placed his hands behind his head.

"But don't you feel like you're not earning your pay? This is so frust-" Cameron was disturbed by the sound of a cane being prodded against the indoor glass.

"Morning my minions." House launched his rucksack onto one of the chairs. He clocked Cameron's stern look and Chase's relaxed posture. "Cameron still bitching about having nothing to do?" He allowed a pause. "Thought so."

"I'm not bitching, I just want to feel like I'm doing something." She aggressively flicked open the book that lay on the table in front of her.

"That's bitching." He rolled in eyes mockingly in Chase's direction. "How are you married to this workaholic?"

Chase merely shrugged before both men were made to jump by the loud slam of a book being whacked shut.

"I'm gonna talk to Cuddy. See if there is any extra work in the ER." Cameron strolled purposefully out of the room leaving House and Chase giggling amongst themselves.

"I'm going for a walk. It's too bloody warm in here." Chase grabbed his coat and shirked it onto his shoulders. "Give me a page if anything comes up."

House tutted loudly. "Thanks. Go do something that cripple finds difficult. How considerate of you."

Chase tucked his chair beneath the table. "See you later House." He grabbed his newspaper from the nearby chair and left the room.

House sighed. He was so bored by the distinct lack of cases and it had been a week since his ego was sufficiently soothed by a miraculous bout of medical detective work. Paper planes has been made and flown off the balcony, much to the despair of the hospital gardener who's mower had been spluttering out chunks of white paper which he had to clean up. House had even managed to complete two games on his PSP in the first three days.

House narrowed his brows. There were only two options to cure the relentless boredom. Annoy Cuddy or annoy Wilson. Cuddy was an interesting proposition. Many tits and ass jokes could be made with a healthy dose of leering on the side. On the other hand, annoying Wilson had many boons. Watching his friend eye roll and consternate over the tiniest of details was a guilty pleasure. House tapped his fingers trying to decide which course of action to take before rising out of his chair when his mind was made up.

Tits and ass could wait. It was Wilson's turn to be annoyed.

House rapped loudly on Wilson's door with the bottom of his cane. House never seemed to use his hands for knocking any more. There was no answer. House tried the handle to no avail and knocked again. "I know you're in there Wilson. I saw a nurse come out of this office like two minutes ago."

He pressed his ear to the wooden surface straining to hear what was happening behind the door. He could hear shuffling, the muffled exclamations of 'ow', and the sound of Wilson's chair being adjusted with a shrill squeak.

"I'll only let you in if you promise to close your eyes."

"Oh god. That nurse never left did she." He heard Wilson curse before he released the lock on the door.

"Close your eyes."

"You're not naked are you?"

"Dammit House. Just close your eyes. Please." Wilson edged the door open so his eye could see through the slit of the door. "You're eyes aren't closed."

"You got me." House shut his eyes and placed his right hand over them to prove his point. Suddenly, House felt himself being pulled hard into Wilson's office by the oncologist's outstretched arm. He heard the door being slammed shut behind him. "Can I open my eyes now?"

"No. Hold on a minute." House was desperate to find out what the hell Wilson was doing. He could hear more shuffling and then the surprising sound of trousers being unzipped.

"Wow. I know it's my birthday soon and everything but this is too much." House sneaked open and eye and peeked through his fingers but Wilson was out of his line of vision.

"Funny." Wilson manoeuvred House, eyes still closed, onto the black couch. "Ok..um..I have... um...a problem."

"I'm not an expert on genitalia but if it's green, bleeding or seeping then go and see another doctor." Now House was apprehensive. He didn't actually want to open his eyes and be faced with the possible sight of Wilson's seeping genitals.

"What? No. It's not my...genitals." Wilson spat out the words in disgust. "It's a bit more complicated than that."

House paused, unable to muster something witty to say. "Well can I open my eyes to see?"

Wilson groaned. "It's...um embarrassing."

"Herpes?"

"No."

"Gonorrhoea?"

"No."

"Shrivelling?"

"No."

"You've finally found your vagina after all these years?"

"No! It's got nothing to do with that...end."

"Well I can't guess if I can't see it can I?"

Wilson sighed in defeat. "Promise you won't laugh?"

"You know I can't promise that."

Wilson relented. "Fine. But please... I really don't know what the hell is going on."

House whipped his hand away from his face and snapped his eyes open. He eyed Wilson up and down before his mouth dropped. Wilson was right. It wasn't his genitals or anything House had expected it to be.

Wilson had a tail.

"Cool." House smiled before getting up for a closer look.

"Cool?! This is not cool. I can't go out there and treat patients with this swinging around behind me." Wilson ran a frustrated hand through his hand.

"Turn around so I can look at it." House hobbled around to the side of his friend. "Bend over."

Wilson rubbed his face with his hand. "Jesus this is so embarrassing." He duly leant his hands onto his desk and flushed red at his situation.

The tail (Wilson's tail?) was surprisingly long, down to Wilson's knees in fact, with the hair getting thinner the further down the tail it reached. The colour that of Wilson's own head of hair although the texture was slightly thicker and more matted. The only thing House could compare it to was a cow's tail. House gave the tail a sharp pull.

Wilson yelped and jolted. "What the hell are you doing? Don't try and rip it off."

"I assume you didn't come into work like this." House gently prodded the skin around the lower back where the tail started.

"No. I took a nap about 11 and when I woke up I had a huge pain. So I went to give it a rub and there was that thing. I haven't left my office since. What the hell am i going to do? I have rounds in two hours. I can't do my rounds with a damn tail!" Wilson flopped his head into his arms.

"Relax." House waved away Wilson's questions.

"How can I relax? I. Have. A. Fucking. Tail."

"How could you grow this in the space of a nap? It's phenomenal." House was in awe. He had never seen anything like this before.

Wilson gritted his teeth. "Well I'm glad someone's impressed and amused by my ordeal."

"This is hardly an ordeal. This is awesome."

The oncologist seethed. How could he think this was cool? This was wrong. This was against science.

House scratched the side of his face. "Can I try something?" Wilson responded by eyeballing House suspiciously. "Nothing invasive. Just a little test."

"Fine."

"You're ticklish right?"

Wilson stared in bemusement. "A bit. Depends where you tickle me. My knees are probably the worst."

In a flash House bent down and tickled Wilson's knees with furious vigour, causing his friend to twitch and giggle. Joy spread across House's face when he watched Wilson's tail waft back and forth like gleeful dog's tail.

"That's brilliant," House chirped before perching his backside on the edge of Wilson's couch.

An angered Wilson slammed his hand down onto his desk. "You wanted to see if it would wag? That was your test?"

"What? It was funny and very, very cool." House saw Wilson throw daggers his way and changed his tact. "Look, I don't think there is anything I can do. I mean what do you want me to do?"

"I don't know. You're the diagnostician here." Wilson pinched the bridge of his nose and squinted his eyes shut. "You've been complaining of having nothing interesting to do...well..." Wilson gestured to his ass, "...here you go."

"We could chop it off."

"And leave me with a giant tuft of perfectly circular hair? Yeah that won't look strange." Wilson rolled his eyes. "Plus won't it just grow back?"

"In all honesty Wilson I don't think we can work with concretes here. You have a tail man. It could just fall out at any moment, or get bigger or become a permanent fixture on that ample ass of yours." House shrugged and watched on as Wilson's anger morphed into sadness.

The sombre mood was disturbed by the sound Wilson's office door opening. Cameron popped her head in and froze. House and Wilson exchanged a quick, knowing look before pulling Cameron inside the office and shoving the door shut.

"What are you doing?" Cameron spotted the tail. "Oh my god." She tilted her head for a better angle. "What the hell is that?"

"That, Cameron, would be Wilson's tail." House poked his cane in Wilson's direction.

She gave a fake but hearty laugh. "That's funny you guys. But seriously...what is it?"

Wilson weakly smiled. "He's right. It's a-my tail."

Cameron looked a Wilson, who had a deadly serious look on his face, then she looked at House then back at Wilson again. "Are you messing with me? I mean you could have just stuck that on."

House raised his eyebrows before limping around next to Wilson. "Turn around." Wilson collaborated and House pulled hard on the tail, sending Wilson jumping into the air in agony.

"You still could have just glued it on."

Wilson stared in disbelief. "You think I would let him _superglue_ a tail onto the top of my ass?"

House nodded. "Yeah and you think I would really do that to someone?"

"Wilson...no. House...yeah." Cameron turned to leave the office only to be stopped by a chorus of 'no's' and a cane blocking her path.

Wilson raised his palms. "You can't go. You can't tell anybody about this."

Cameron shook her head. "You both belong in high school."

"Show her House." Wilson sighed and proffered his knees for tickling. House smiled and complied with Wilson's request. Cameron watched in amazement as the tail wagged back and forth and became still once House let go.

"Okay. That was just weird." Cameron carefully stepped around and inspected the tail a little closer. "How did this even get there?"

"I came to work. I napped. I woke up with it." Wilson snipped, his patience was wearing tremendously thin.

"You grew _that_ during a nap?"

Wilson waved his hands. "Yes, yes and we have already discussed how apparently awesome and cool that is. Now as much as I'm enjoying this discussion, I really need to get rid of this thing or get home. I can't work with a tail. My patients have enough issues to deal with as it is. I don't want them thinking they are hallucinating their doctor with a tail."

"You're right. We need to get you home." Cameron placed the papers in her hand onto Wilson's desk.

House whined. "Oh come on. This is fun. Can't we keep you here a bit longer?"

Wilson flicked his middle finger in House's direction.

"Okay. First we need to cover that thing up. It's huge." Cameron buzzed around the office looking for a blanket or throw, anything that was long enough to cover Wilson from the shoulders down to the knee.

House looked smug. "Why thank you Cameron. I grew it myself."

"Shut up House and help me here."

Wilson zipped up his trousers before trying to stuff his tail into the back of his pants. "This won't work. I look like I have hemorrhoids when I stuff it in."

Cameron called attention to herself by clicking her fingers. "I have an idea." She quickly darted out of the room and down the corridor.

"Where did she go?" Both Wilson and House peered their heads around the door before realising their error and pushing it shut.

"What am I going to tell Cuddy? 'Sorry I have to go home, I seem to have grown a tail over lunch?'" Wilson began pacing back and forth trying his best to formulate a plan.

"I'll tell her you went home. You thought you had the flu and you didn't want to pass it on to your patients. She'll believe you...I think." House knew Cuddy would in no way, shape or form believe the truth.

Wilson rubbed his eyes until they were an angry red hue. "Why did this happen to me? I mean what the hell?"

Before House could answer Cameron burst back into the room armed with two blankets, a hooded jacket and a wheelchair. She tossed the hooded jacket towards Wilson who caught it in his hands. He slung it on over his shoulders and struggled to poke his arms through.

The sleeves were an inch and a half too short and the body stopped above his belly button. "How short are Chase's arms?"

"That's not Chase's jacket, that's mine." Cameron padded a blanket down onto the seat of the wheelchair.

"Oh." Wilson sheepishly cast his gaze downwards.

"Now sit down and put your hood up." Cameron pointed to the wheelchair.

Wilson took his seat and Cameron whipped the second blanket over his legs, tucking the tail to the side and under the left side of the blanket.

"Try to stay as still as possible. That tail is wedged in pretty weakly." She pulled open the door and checked to see if any nurses were snooping around. Luckily there weren't any except for the gaggle at the bottom of the hall but they weren't paying any attention. She wheeled Wilson out and House hobbled just behind them, closing the door as he left the office.

They got Wilson to his car in swift time, using the back entrance to avoid strolling past Cuddy's office. Once there Wilson quickly removed his jacket, almost ripping the seams off one of the arms, before handing it back to Cameron who looked less than impressed.

"You'll be okay driving won't you Jimmy boy?" House dropped the blanket onto the wheelchair.

"I'll be fine. I just wanna get out of here." Wilson took his seat in the car being careful not to sit on his tail. "Thank you." He smiled in gratitude.

"I'll be over later. Cheap beer and crappy food night tonight."

"Yeah. And hopefully this damn thing will be gone by then." Wilson flicked his tail in disgust.

"Hopefully not. There are hours of fun and torture to be had with this thing."

Wilson shook his head and smirked. "Screw you House."

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End file.
